Holidaaaaays – where capitalism and religion make love to create the divine baby “Presents” that we all enjoy so well. For the WWE fans – or the loved ones of WWE fans – looking to pick up some decor or gifts from the official WWE shop here are some quick Do’s and Don’ts.
Do’s & Don’ts from the WWE Holiday Shop
UGLY HOLIDAY SWEATSHIRTS
There is a certain hierarchy or downward spiral of moral decay when it comes to the Ugly Holiday Sweater phenomenon, I’ve gone to the trouble of breaking it down thusly…
Level 1 – Acceptable Lame: Wearing an ugly holiday sweater you own or borrow
Level 2 – Borderline Unacceptable, Dumb & Lame: Buying a second-hand ugly holiday sweater
Level 3 – Fully Unacceptable: Buying a new ugly holiday sweater
Level 4 – Disassociate from Person Doing This At All Costs: Buying a new ugly holiday sweatshirt from the WWE shop even if it is for a party, even if it is for a WWE Holiday Party if such things exist outside of the Titan Sports offices.
When they say these sweatshirts are ugly, they’re not using hyperbole, these sweatshirts are overall just bad to look at.
TRULY THE UGLIEST SWEATSHIRT
This one is for the ladies but this lady’s eyes hurt trying to read the text. Purple and yellow are more Barbie colors than holiday colors. The only adult who can reasonably wear it is Bayley.
WORST HOLIDAY SPIRIT
Beyond the green and red on one row of little Space Invaders guys, there is no holiday theme to this garment. This is just a terrible Roman Reigns sweatshirt.
Aesthetics aside, all of these sweatshirts are a DON’T because they’re pullover sweatshirts and not zip-up hoodies. I don’t think I need to explain the superior performance of a kangaroo pocket, zip-up, hooded sweatshirt to anyone here. They’re also $39.99 each before tax or shipping, so kind of spendy for a novelty sweatshirt.
Woo boy – what the Hell is going on here? Depicting the company’s big stars as bundled up kiddies straight out of “A Christmas Story” is just befuddling. I assumed they were going for cute, but then there’s the overwhelming creep factor of the Dean Ambrose model.
If you zoom in on the image you see the Dean Ambrose Child, Winter-Warrior has psychotic bug eyes and a twisted, gremlin-like expression. What Dean Ambrose fan will want to include Dean in their festivities but prefer he be rendered as a grimacing, murder-eyed tot? Dean Ambrose himself would probably tell you to drop $8 on some beers rather than buy this thing.
At first glance it may seem a little dry to merely have a table, a chair and a ladder ornament on your tree – but look! Look! The little table breaks apart and comes back together with magnets. In the words of Matt Hardy “Delightful!”
ADORABLE BAD-ASS ORNAMENT
Bravo WWE Shop, you could have easily done a generic Shield gingerbread men 3-pack, but including the “RAW after Wrestlemania 30” skull masks is a step beyond. They’re 3.5” tall which will make these figures the big dogs in the yard of your Christmas tree, that metaphor wore thin there…
BALLS-OUT BIG ASS GIFTS
Woo! Now that is a big, ass gold belt! Relive the glory days of WCW champs of yore with this massive hunk of replica gold medal on your tummy.
The belt only goes up to a 50” waist size, but the WWE shop sells extenders for the belts. I don’t even want to think about what that says about the fitness of wrestling fans.