I’m your new contributing writer Laura Crawford-a survivor of the Divas Revolution (RIP Divas) and a real “Women’s Champion” of smarky internet writing.
Welcome to the Inaugural TurnHeel Money in the Bank Predictions Guide/Dirtrag/Drinking Game!
If you want to follow along with my tweets during the PPV it’s @CrawfordComic and of course, @TurnHeelSite. Or, find me on Facebook and tell me why I’m a stupid Hitler who doesn’t know a wrist-lock from a wristwatch.
On to the show! Prediction? PAIN! Or just nausea from excessive shaky cam.
What’s a PPV pre-show without Booker T shouting out something nonsensical and upbeat? Get your smiles in while you can because Graves will roll his eyes more than an eighth-grade girl. And that Byron Saxton! He is….going to be there too. The Lawler arrest may be weighing heavily on fans’ minds, but the chances of it getting brought up on this show are about 0.
You know, something about predicting outcomes in a pre-determined sporting event seems a bit, convoluted? Rather than simply rattle off a richly textured series of predictions, I’ll get down to what we’re all really here for, the rules of the Drinking Game.
CREWS v. SHEAMUS
Less Battle of the Ages, More Battle For Some Reason is the Sheamus/Crews match-up.
The Celtic Warrior is not about to be hustled aside in this New Era and we’re going to hear about it! More importantly, this is Crews’ big chance to prove he’s a man made for primetime with a joyous, downright boyish, grin.
Take A Drink Every Time…
Commentary makes mention of Sheamus’ Ninja Turtles role
Crews gets called a “natural athlete”
The entire duration of the spinning power bomb that ends it.
Crews wins via spinning powerbomb.
CORBIN v. ZIGGLER
Another chapter unfolds in the saga of young Baron Corbin.This fresh and equally grumpy talent is such a loner, even his hairline is backing off. Watch out, that’s not the last Dad joke in this deal. Leading up to MITB, Corbin’s career has been on a massive upswing, and he looks ready to roll his hog right over Ziggler on his way to the top. That sounded much more homoerotic than it should have. Basically, the match is like Cannibal Corpse v. Poison in a Battle of the Bands.
Take A Drink Every Time…
A kid wets their pants after getting a Corbin glower
Ziggler blatantly apes HBK
If Ziggler manages to actually steal the whole show.
Corbin gets compared to The Undertaker
If this feud continues after MITB just check yourself into Betty Ford
Corbin wins by the “End of Days”
CHARLOTTE & DANA BROOKE v. BECKY LYNCH & NATALYA
Having Dr. Phil handle Charlotte seemed to work, so, I’m going to lay out a little Texas style therapeutic analysis. Charlotte may think she’s “the woman”, but she’s just holding the belt until Sasha hits back at SummerSlam. Dana has to quit being a follower and define herself as an individual if she doesn’t want to get pushed aside by all her peers from NXT.
Take a Shot…
In loving memory of Dana’s abs in NXT (RIP)
Every sharp-shooter or figure 8 tease
Lass-kicking Lynch owns the match
Get Space-Mountain Wasted…
If David Flair makes a run-in
To Close it Out…
No contest via shenanigans from the Brooke/Flair camp.
RUSEV v. TITUS
Rusev is United States Champion, Titus wants to be United States Champion, so the big men are going to throw each other around like a couple of sacks of Bulgarian potatoes.
Take a Sip…
For every reference to Titus’ Dad of the Year Award
If you put Rusev’s Titantron into Google Translate
For every Lana related distraction
Knock it Back…
If Rusev comes out in a tank-AGAIN
If Darren Young makes a run-in
To Finish it Out…
The Bulgarian Brute wins via accolade or distraction pin
NEW DAY v. BULLET CLUB v. ENZO & CASS v. VAUDEVILLAINS
It’s easy to get confused about what exactly the nine individuals in this fight all have against one another, because it’s all confusing, something about Enzo and Francesca 2 making a Trombones Gone Wild video on Bourbon St.
Take a Swig of Healing Tonic If…
The Vaudevillains get a pop from the crowd
Aiden English doesn’t dress like a fopish 19th Century Rat-Catcher
Cass gets the hot tag
Francesca 2 brings the heat
Commentary says “Japan” more than thrice
Xavier and Enzo hit the hot tag simultaneously
Drink All Dat If..
New Day loses the belts
There is somehow a Vaudevillains win
To Top it Off…
New Day win via Trouble in Paradise
MONEY IN THE BANK
This may be the second PPV of the “New Era” but it’s over-stuffed with grudges and rivalries years in the making. NXT’s top grads are finally taking center stage and bringing indie credibility to the roster.
Take a Drink When…
You forget Alberto Del Rio is in the match
JBL seems to be getting sexual pleasure from berating Byron Saxton
Sami Zayn gets his Generico “Ole” chants rolling
Kevin Owens calls out Michael Cole
Dean Ambrose’s punches look more silly than cool
Cesaro seems to be impersonating Jason Statham
Chris Jericho Calls Someone A Stupid Idiot
Finish Your Drink If…
Kevin Owens does his pop-up powerbomb, the funnest move to say aloud
Every time Kevin and Sami degenerate into a hockey fight
Walls of Jericho via ladder
Del Rio sets up a hanging stomp on the ladder and it’s super-convoluted
Jericho reminds you of Dennis Reynolds
Dean reminds you of Roddy Piper
You forget Del Rio is in the match
Chug a Molson…
For any cradle piledriver off the ladder
If Jericho Wins
If Kevin Owens’ first shot is not at Sami Zayn
Kill the Bottle…
Jericho’s scarf wins
Low-Blow Via Ladder
Michael Cole talks about the “big fight” feel
Clear Your Fridge…
If Dean Ambrose wins
Drink the Whole Bar If…
Alberto Del Rio only speaks English
CENA v. STYLES
“Let’s Go Cena!” “Let’s Go Styles!” Let’s hope we can keep the interference and Japan mentions in this match to a minimum.
Every time you hear the words “dream match”
Styles Clash into sunset flip power-bomb
Phenomenal forearm into AA
Every time you think, “Wait a minute, is Mark Wahlberg fighting Chris Gaines?”
Every time JBL says “phenomenal”
Keg-Stand For a…
Phenomenal forearm into springboard stunner
Get Blacked Out…
If Styles wins
Cena wins via submission to STF
REIGNS v. ROLLINS
Rollins has returned-built to even greater proportions, like some kind of human Robocop. But, there’s a very angry, wet-haired man who stands in way of holding that belt again.
Drink For Every…
Smug Rollins laugh
Smug Reigns laugh
Any combination of the words “THE” and “GUY”
Catch a Springboard knee into spear
Pedigree into Samoan drop or the rampage ripoff spot
Curbstomp gets teased
Every single Superman punch, yes one shot for each and every one of them
Switch to Brown Liquor…
If Bray Wyatt interferes
Rollins’ Nazi ex-girlfriend comes back to manage him
Naturally, Reigns wins via spear, but with heavy funny business.
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