WWE WrestleMania 33 Drinking Game

WrestleMania 33 is almost here so it’s time now for the official Turn Heel WWE WrestleMania 33 Drinking Game. This is the first WrestleMania drinking game on the site as we just did a standard “predictions” post last year. The show is 4 hours + a 2 hour pre-show so pace yourself because you’re in a for a long haul this year.

As usual, this game is presented as a fun way to try to predict the results of an upcoming WWE PPV. We obviously do not advocate actually playing this game due to the extreme nature of the challenge presented here. In other words, don’t try this at home.

Standard Turn Heel WWE PPV drinking game rules apply for the WWE WrestleMania 33 Drinking Game: If you’re playing on “Easy Mode” take a sip of beer or of a mixed drink when the game calls for it. If you’re playing on “Hardcore Mode” take a full shot of hard liquor or entire can/bottle of beer each time the game calls for it.

REMEMBER THIS SHOW IS VERY LONG SO THERE IS NO SHAME IN PLAYING ON “EASY MODE”.

WWE WrestleMania 33 Drinking Game – Kickoff Show

After the internet showed their distaste for the SmackDown Women’s Championship being defended on the Kickoff Show, WWE has relented and as of this writing (Thursday PM) moved that match back onto the show proper. That said, there are still two confirmed Kickoff Show matches. I imagine the WWE will fill the extra time with more video packages and more guests on the panel. I suppose we’ll see on Sunday. No general Kickoff Show rules this time around because there are more than enough matches on the card as is to leave you with severe alcohol poisoning.

(WWE.com)

Neville (c) vs. Austin Aries (WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match)

Neville has been a division killer since returning as a heel, swiftly taking the crown, and declaring himself “King of the Cruiserweights”. Aries, a 205 Live commentator while rehabbing an eye injury, interjected himself into the Cruiserweight division and has been the proverbial thumb in Neville’s eye ever since. The general gist of this feud is that Neville is underappreciated and has a massive ego. Aries is also an egomaniac, but not nearly as much as Neville is – as it suits the division to have him playing a babyface right now. There is also controversy over this match being on the Kickoff Show, but seriously, SOMETHING has to be on the Kickoff Show. It makes sense to me that the Cruiserweight match would get the nod, since it’s honestly more of a WWE Network brand due to the CWC and 205 Live being Network exclusive shows.

Take a shot:

Each time someone says “Neville’s level”

Each time someone says “A Double level”

If either Aries or Neville come out wearing a cape

If this match ends up stealing the Kickoff Show

If Aries uses the ropes as a hammock

Take 2 shots:

If a banana factors into the match at any point

If any other members of the Cruiserweight Division have a cameo in the match

If Aries becomes the new Cruiserweight Champion

If this match ends up stealing the whole damn show

Take 3 shots:

If Neville retains by making Aries tap to the Rings of Saturn

If Aries makes Neville tap to the Last Chancery

Take 4 shots:

If Neville has to resort to using the Red Arrow at any point during the match

Take 6 shots:

If any member of the New Day intervenes to help Aries win the match

Finishing out: My gut tells me Neville is going to retain here, as his push as “King” of the division doesn’t feel quite over with yet. I could see Aries winning a rematch though during post-WrestleMania week on Raw or 205 Live.

(WWE.com)

The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Ah, the match that gets a sizable chunk of the roster their WrestleMania payday. WWE flipped the script this year and tossed some bigger names like Sami Zayn, Dolph Ziggler, Braun Strowman, and Big Show (thanks a lot, Shaq!) into the match this year to make it interesting. Also of note, the SmackDown tag division is expected to feature heavily as The Usos, Slater / Rhyno, Breezango, and American Alpha are confirmed to be in the match as of this writing. Not sure why they don’t have their own tag title match, but SmackDown’s tag division has been an afterthought ever since the Wyatts dropped the belts.

Take a shot:

If Curt Hawkins is the first man eliminated

If the SmackDown tag division is single-handedly decimated by Braun Strowman at any point

If Tyler Breeze is the first man eliminated

Take 2 shots:

If Tian Bing from NXT does anything substantial in the match

If Braun Strowman eliminates at least 5 people

If Big Show eliminates at least 5 people

If Sami Zayn is involved in eliminating Braun Strowman in any way

Take 3 shots:

If either Show or Strowman eliminate 10 or more people

If one of the smaller men in the match ends up winning

If Elias Samson drifts onto the main roster in this match

Take 4 shots:

If Mojo Rawley eliminates at least 5 people

If Samoa Joe is a surprise entrant in the match

If Braun Strowman wins the match

Take 5 shots:

If Sami Zayn beats the odds and wins the match

If Big Show wins the match

Chug a 5 Hour Energy:

If Mojo Rawley stays hype and wins the whole thing

Take 12 shots:

If Finn Balor quietly returns from injury in the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Finishing out: Strowman wins. I mean, that’s the only option that makes any sense. Since Big Show is nearing the end of his run, if he hadn’t already won of these, I’d pick him as a heavy favorite, but I think he’s a red herring this year and it’s all Braun, all the way.

WWE WrestleMania 33 Drinking Game

First, some general WrestleMania drinking game bonus rules.

Take a shot:

If Mauro Ranallo returns to commentary

If Finn Balor shows up on the main show

If Samoa Joe shows up on the main show

If Shinsuke Nakamura shows up on the main show

If Emma returns on the main show

If Kurt Angle gets physical on the main show

If Daniel Bryan gets physical on the main show

If anyone from the UK Division shows up on the main show

If the Rock shoots a flamethrower at anything / anyone or otherwise shows up

Take 2 shots:

If Stone Cold Steve Austin is named as the last-minute guest referee for the Universal Title Match

If HBK superkicks anyone at any point

If the Rock gives Vin Diesel a Rock Bottom and/or People’s Elbow

If anyone from UFC / MMA shows up on camera

Take 5 shots:

If long-haired guy is front row

Okay, on to the main card!!

(WWE.com)

Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson (c) vs. Enzo & Big Cass vs. Sheamus & Cesaro (Triple Threat Ladder Match for the WWE Raw Tag Team Championship)

The big rumor surrounding this match is that the fact that ladders got involved means the Hardy Boyz will debut in this match and win the tag team championship. I’m not exactly sure how that will happen, considering besides the vague “they got this turned into a ladder match after Raw”, nothing points to the Hardys being involved here. I mean, something on the Kickoff Show or the Hardys just beaming onto the stage from somewhere else in time and space would realistically be enough to pop the crowd, so who knows, you know? I mean it is WrestleMania after all.

Take a shot:

If either Sheasaro or the Club interrupt Enzo & Cass’ opening spiel

If The New Day interrupt Enzo & Cass’ opening spiel

Each time the The Club too sweet each other

If The Club retain

Each time the crowd chants “holy s**t” for more than 5 seconds

Take 2 shots:

If Enzo and Cass become tag champs

If The Hardys are added to this match

If Sheamus’ gross cut over his eye gets opened up again by a ladder

During any and all “delete!” chants

Take 3 shots:

If anyone other than Sheamus is busted open during the match

If Matt Hardy deletes Sheamus

If Cesaro manages to swing Big Cass or Luke Gallows

Take 4 shots:

If Sheamus and Cesaro somehow become tag champs again

If Finn Balor or AJ Styles get involved at any point to help Gallows & Anderson

If the Hardys do debut here, but AFTER the match

Take 6 shots:

If The Hardys return to work this match, but as the ‘Team Extreme’ Hardys, and not the Broken Hardys

Take 7 shots for each of the 7 deities (49 shots): 

If we see no member of House Hardy before, during, or immediately after this match

Finishing out: This is a hard one to predict. If the Hardys do show up, hands down, they’re leaving with the titles. And, the chatter is so off the charts that they show in some form here, I have to feel like it will happen. However, if that isn’t in the cards, then I suspect WWE finally pulls the trigger on Enzo & Cass and gives them a run with the straps.

(WWE.com)

Alexa Bliss (c) vs. “All Available SmackDown Live Women” (TBA Match for the WWE SmackDown Women’s Championship)

I mean, that’s what this still is, right? They called it a “six-pack challenge” on SmackDown this week after Naomi returned, but as of this writing, WWE still has the “All Available SmackDown women” concept in their match preview. Is it an elimination match? Will other people show up other than the six pictured above? Will they move this match back and forth from the Kickoff Show to the main card more times between now and Sunday? Who knows? I sure don’t. The main story here is that Naomi won the title at Elimination Chamber and suffered a minor knee injury in the process. WWE inexplicably stripped her of the title and Alexa Bliss promptly beat Becky Lynch to become a two time champ. We then coasted until last week when Naomi returned, and thus she became the odds on favorite in the match.

Take a shot:

If WWE decides what the rules are for this match before it actually starts

If James Ellsworth gets involved at any point in the match

If Breezy Bella shows up and tries to get involved

Each time Becky yells “Straight Fire!!”

For each Mick Kick that Mickie delivers

If WWE actually lets Naomi have a rare hometown title victory here

Take 2 shots:

If Asuka enters the match

If Tamina returns and enters the match

If Summer Rae returns and enters the match

If Alexa retains

Take 3 shots:

If Mickie James ends up winning her first title since returning

If Becky Lynch becomes a 2 time champ

If anyone else currently at NXT enters the match

If any of the women take out Ellsworth during the match

Take 4 shots:

If Natalya makes someone to tap to the Sharpshooter and wins the title

If Emma switches brands and debuts here

If Victoria returns in this match

Take 5 shots:

If Kelly Kelly returns, decimates the field, and becomes the new SmackDown Women’s Champion

If Ellsworth helps Carmella become the champ

Take 6 shots:

If the “Eva is leaving WWE” stuff is all misinformation and she returns for this match

Finishing out: Naomi winning the title here is the right call. It seriously felt like she was expected to be champion going into this match, as the division really slid into neutral when Naomi got hurt. I honestly don’t see them doing anything else here but putting the title back on Naomi.

(WWE.com)

Dean Ambrose (c) vs. Baron Corbin (WWE Intercontinental Championship Match)

This match stems from the Elimination Chamber when Ambrose eliminated Corbin, thus ruining his shot at the WWE Championship. Corbin’s post-elimination attack on Ambrose caused Ambrose to get eliminated by Miz. And here we are. They’ve escalated this feud by way of having Dean beat up Curt Hawkins and distract Corbin from atop a forklift. Similarly, they’ve had Corbin Deep Six Ambrose into the “tech area” and later pin him underneath a forklift. The big go home to this feud happened on Talking Smack during a “split screen interview” where Dean held up a remote and turned off the side of the screen that Corbin was on. Yeah.

Take a shot:

If Ambrose ISN’T wearing his black tank top

Each time Corbin banters with the crowd during the match

Each time Corbin banters with Ambrose during the match

For each rebound clothesline Dean dishes out

Take 2 shots:

If this match ends up in the “tech area”

If Corbin wins his first IC title

If Dean kicks out of at least one End of Days

If Corbin kicks out of at least one Dirty Deeds

Take 3 shots:

If Dean retains by way of a Dirty Deeds

If a TV remote factors into the match at any point

Take 4 shots:

If Dean retains after pinning Corbin with a forklift

If Dean and/or Corbin dive off of a forklift

Take 5 shots:

If a forklift is somehow not involved in this match at any point

Finishing out: Dean has felt like a transitional champ ever since he took the title from Miz. The move to do that switch makes way more sense now than it did at the time. They needed Miz free from the title for the match with Cena, and they’ve been building up Corbin for a title reign, so they needed a name face for him to beat at Mania. So, yeah, Corbin wins. I’ll be honestly surprised if he doesn’t.

(WWE.com)

Chris Jericho (c) vs. Kevin Owens (WWE United States Championship Match)

Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens were the best of friends. They were arguably the top heels on Raw and “they” held the U.S. Title and Universal Title together. However, this all fell apart when WWE gave us the most recent “Whatcha Say” moment on WWE television. At the “Festival of Friendship”, after Jericho bestowed many amazing gifts upon KO, Owens reciprocated by giving Jericho a “List of KO” with Jericho’s name on it and a beat down. From there, Jericho showed up to cost Owens the Universal title so Goldberg could go play superhero. Also, Owens claims he and Jericho were never friends this whole time, but really it seems like Triple H has given Owens a better deal as part of a new heel faction with Samoa Joe and “TBA”. Of note going into WrestleMania, Jericho is scheduled to be on tour with his band, Fozzy not too long after the Payback PPV at the end of April.

Take a shot:

If Jericho puts anyone on The List

If you shed a tear during the pre-match promotional video

If Owens screams out “Chinlock City” after slapping on a chinlock

If this match ends up stealing the show

Take 2 shots:

Each time Owens escapes the Walls of Jericho

For each pop-up Powerbomb Jericho is able to kick out of

If Samoa Joe gets involved in the match

If Owens wins clean to become the U.S. Champion

Take 3 shots:

If Jericho hits a Codebreaker out of nowhere and retains

If Sami Zayn gets involved in the match

For each Codebreaker Owens is able to kick out of

If the List of Jericho is used as a weapon at any point during the match

Chug:

For the duration of each Chinlock KO applies

Finishing out: Owens wins the U.S. Title. With Jericho leaving and this feud really on its last legs, it seems like the right move. They can have their big rematch to blowoff the feud at Payback, assuming Jericho will be around that long, and Owens can move on from there. Vince can always buck common sense and put Jericho over at Mania like he did last year, but I’ll be surprised if that happens with a title involved and Jericho going on break.

(WWE.com)

Bayley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax (Fatal Four Way Elimination Match for the WWE Raw Women’s Championship)

The Raw women’s division, where only four people exist. I kid, but really though? This division has been Bayley, Sasha, and Charlotte for months now with Nia winning squash matches and occasionally cracking into the title picture. The main story here is Bayley winning the title at Fastlane, ending Charlotte’s PPV undefeated streak, and Charlotte implying that at any moment, Sasha will stab Bayley in the back. This was originally booked as a triple threat and Nia Jax is a late entry. As such, Nia doesn’t factor into the back story as much as the other three women do.

Take a shot:

Each time a Sasha Banks heel turn is teased

If Snoop Dogg raps Sasha to the ring again this year

If Dana Brooke causes Charlotte to get eliminated

If Nia Jax eliminates at least two women in the match

If Nia Jax is the first woman eliminated

Take 2 shots:

If the final two are Bayley and Sasha

If anyone kicks out of a Bayley to Belly

If anyone is able to pin Nia Jax

Each time someone escapes the Figure Eight

If Sasha Banks is the first woman eliminated

Take 3 shots:

Each time Sasha or Charlotte take some insane risk

Each time someone escapes the Banks Statement

If the Boss finally wins the title on a PPV

If Bayley loses the title, is eliminated early, by someone who doesn’t win the match

If Charlotte is the first woman eliminated

Take 4 shots:

If the final two are Bayley and Charlotte

If WWE plays it safe and puts the title back on Charlotte, again

If Emma, Summer, Paige, Lana, or Alicia Fox get involved in the match

Take 5 shots:

If WWE swerves everyone and Nia Jax leaves champ

If Bayley is the first woman eliminated

Buy the next round:

If WWE does the smart thing and Bayley retains

Finishing out: My gut tells me Bayley retains and we get that feel good moment at WrestleMania. My brain tells me that WWE is going to put the title back on Charlotte because that seems to be their “default” setting for the Raw women’s division. I hope my gut is right.

(WWE.com)

Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles

This match exists because WWE had no real plans for AJ Styles after moving the title off of him and it is WrestleMania so Shane needed a match too. AJ had been disgruntled about his general treatment at SmackDown so Styles jumped McMahon in the parking lot and put his head through a car window. Shane’s response was to make this match and later put AJ through an announce table by way of elbow drop from the top rope. This is another match with “steal the show” potential all over it, though I am little surprised this isn’t a “falls count anywhere” or “no DQ” match. Either way, expect Shane McMahon to destroy his body for the fans’ enjoyment here.

Take a shot:

If Shane’s kids head to the ring with him again this year

If  “Shane dollars” fall from the sky during Shane’s entrance again

For each Phenomenal Forearm AJ gives to Shane

Each time the crowd chants “holy s**t” during the match

Take 2 shots:

If Shane clearly has learned how to take a Styles Clash before having this match

If Shane jumps off of anything at least as tall as the top rope

For each Styles Clash AJ gives to Shane

If Daniel Bryan intervenes on Shane’s behalf

If AJ wins clean

Take 3 shots:

If Shane jumps off something at least as tall as the “really tall ladder” they use for ladder matches

If AJ wins, but he has to cheat to win in some fashion (not including a run in)

If Shane ends up bleeding

For each table that is destroyed during the match

Take 4 shots:

If AJ wins, but requires help from The Club to do it

If Shane jumps off anything that is at least 30 feet in the air

Take 5 shots:

If Shane somehow manages to win this match

Take 6 shots:

If AJ wins, but as he poses in the ring, Nakamura’s music hits

Take 10 shots: 

If Shane doesn’t take any risks and doesn’t jump off of anything during this match

Take 33 shots:

If Shane jumps off the “giant wrestling ring” that is positioned above the WrestleMania 33 ring

Take 100 shots:

If Shane jumps off the “roller coaster tracks” that are part of the WrestleMania 33 set

Finishing out: AJ wins. Since this is a “standard” wrestling match and Shane didn’t beat Taker last year, Shane is here to bump his ass off and make AJ look like a million bucks.

(WWE.com)

Seth Rollins vs. Triple H (Non-Sanctioned Match)

Seth vs. HHH is “non-sanctioned” as a way to cover the fact that Seth allegedly isn’t 100% from his shoot knee injury. I imagine this ends up being some sort of “street fight” or “no DQ brawl”. The build to this has been excellent, even if it got derailed a bit when Rollins suffered that freak injury taking the Coquina Clutch during Samoa Joe’s debut. Way back when, Triple H turned on Rollins to put the Universal Title on Owens and left Seth wondering what happened between him and his former mentor. Since then, we’ve seen Seth return from the injury to verbally spar with Triple H over their past. Since Rollins “wasn’t cleared to work Mania”, he pressed HHH until HHH set up Rollins to sign a “Hold Harmless Agreement” that absolves WWE of (storyline) any responsibility if Seth is injured further for working this match at Mania. Expect this one to get wild.

Take a shot:

Each time a Pedigree is teased by either guy

If a crutch is used as a weapon by either guy

If Triple H immediately works on Seth’s injured knee

If Samoa Joe gets involved at any point during this match

Take 2 shots:

If Sami Zayn intervenes on Seth’s behalf at any point in the match

If Kevin Owens intervenes at any point in the match

If Triple H brings back the sledgehammer in an attempt to finish off Rollins for good

If Rollins wins

Take 3 shots:

For each Pedigree that is kicked out of

If despite the “non-sanctioned” stipulation, the match mainly happens in the ring

If Triple H wins cleanly

Take 4 shots:

If Triple H wins, but he needs help from Owens or Joe to do it

If someone new joins Triple H’s faction during or after this match

If Finn Balor returns here to aid Seth during or after the match

Take 5 shots:

If either Ambrose or Reigns come to Seth’s aid during or after the match

If Triple H still has an elaborate ring entrance even though this match is allegedly not sanctioned by the WWE

Take 6 shots:

If Triple H takes a Shield Powerbomb during or after the match

Finishing out: I’ve got Rollins winning this one. With the stakes the way they are, it makes more sense to have the injured Rollins get the underdog win at Mania and then get brutalized on Raw by Triple H and his new cronies. I mean, it is Triple H, so it’s always possible he goes over here, but Rollins isn’t Sting, so I don’t think that happens. Appearances from at least Samoa Joe and Finn Balor seem likely.

(WWE.com)

John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse

This feud originated when Nikki Bella accidentally bumped into Maryse during a backstage fight and spilled powder on her. From there, it escalated into one of the more compelling storylines that WWE has put together on the SmackDown brand since the split. From spitting fire at Cena on Talking Smack, to filming a straight up parody of Cena and Nikki with Maryse – Miz has brought his “A game” for this program. Nikki is on the way out due to injuries and Cena has a bunch of projects outside the WWE lined up as well, which typically would point to a Miz / Maryse victory. However, the big angle the Total Bellas parody revolved around was Cena being unwilling to propose to Nikki. A real life marriage proposal feels like it’d be more likely to happen after a Cena / Bella victory, right?

Take a shot:

For each 10 knuckle shuffle that happens

If Miz and/or Maryse come out dressed up as Cena and/or Nikki

If Daniel Bryan gets involved at any point during this match

If WWE decides to reward the Miz for his stellar work the past year and puts him and Maryse over here

Take 2 shots:

If Cena and Nikki go over clean and…

Take 2 more:

If Cena proposes to Nikki Bella…

Then take 1 more:

If Nikki says “Yes”

Or take 3 more:

If Nikki says “No”

Take 3 shots:

If Brie Bella shows up for any reason

If Al Roker purposely screws up Miz and/or Maryse’s introduction

Take 4 shots:

If Al Roker helps Cena and Nikki win

Eat a tub of ice cream:

If Cena and Nikki win and no proposal happens after the match

Take 10 shots while watching Today Show reruns:

If Al Roker turns heel on John Cena and helps Miz and Maryse win the match

Finishing out: Cena and Bella win, LOL. I mean, come on. That is what is happening and Cena will propose to Nikki after the match. Why else would this exist? Miz and Maryse are the perfect foils for this because the heat they gained from those “Total Bellas Bulls**t” skits makes them bulletproof taking a loss at WrestleMania.

(WWE.com)

The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

Whose yard it is, anyway? Taker still claims the ring is his “yard” but Roman say the ring is his “yard” now. This land dispute has somehow become what may very be Undertaker’s final WrestleMania match. There is absolutely nothing else to this feud. Reigns eliminated Taker from the Rumble to a bunch of boos and I guess that was enough to get Taker’s hackles up enough to challenge Roman to a match at Mania. In real life, it sounds like Taker needs some extensive surgery that will effectively end his in ring career (if you believe the dirt sheets). So, will Roman give Taker his “last ride” this year?

Take a shot:

Each time an announcer says the phrase “Big Dog”

Every time the word “yard” is said during the pre-match video

Every time the word “yard” is said during the match itself

If Roman wears the sneakers, meaning they’re his new PPV only footwear

For each “Let’s go Roman / Roman sucks!” chant that breaks out

Take 2 shots:

For each Superman Punch that is delivered

If Taker actually gives Roman a “Last Ride” powerbomb after hinting at that during the build to this match

If Taker kicks out of the Spear

Take 3 shots:

If Roman kicks out of a Tombstone

If Braun Strowman gets involved in the match

If Taker actually defeats Roman Reigns

Take 4 shots:

If Reigns wins, but finally turns heel in the process

If the match ends in a “no contest” for any reason

Pour one out on the curb:

If Roman Reigns wins, is treated like a babyface, and it is made clear this is Taker’s final match

Finishing out: Reigns becomes the second man to defeat Taker at Mania. I don’t like it, but it’s what’s going to happen, and I’ve come to terms with it. Taker is really near the end of the line at this point. With Lesnar likely winning the Universal Title, pitting Brock vs. Roman (aka – who would be the only two men to beat Taker at Mania) would be a strong way to build up that program. I just feel like we’re living in a timeline where Undertaker winning here just won’t be a thing that happens.

(WWE.com)

Bray Wyatt (c) vs. Randy Orton (WWE Championship Match)

Wow, this is the best slow burn storytelling WWE has done in some time. Even though I was highly critical of the “compound fire” episode during the build to this Mania match, I’ve been won over again with where WWE took things in the aftermath. Months ago, Orton and Wyatt were in a rather standard pro wrestling feud. That culminated in Luke Harper returning from injury and siding with Wyatt. Orton eventually “gave in” and joined the Wyatt Family and before long they were the SmackDown tag champions. And that’s where things started to go south. Orton drove a wedge between Bray and Harper after they lost the tag titles, which isolated Bray with only Randy to depend on. Randy goes on to win the Rumble and Bray wins the WWE Championship a few weeks later at Elimination Chamber. Orton turns on Bray by burning down the cabin where Sister Abigail was allegedly buried and then things got weird. After many convoluted steps that involved a battle royal, Luke Harper, and AJ Styles, we’re still back to Bray vs. Randy. Master versus servant. Viper versus swamp cult leader. This is the pro wrestling I signed up for. Heck, even Rihanna and Eminem wrote a song about this feud without even realizing it at the time.

Of note, this match should go on last, but it probably won’t.

Take a shot:

If Orton brings the staff he drove into Abigail’s ashes to the ring with him

Each time the Wyatt stinger hits and the lights go out

For each RKO tease

For each Sister Abigail tease

Take 2 shots:

If Luke Harper gets involved and helps Orton win

If Bray Wyatt comes to the ring with Sister Abigail’s ashes rubbed all over his skin

If any people in sheep masks appear at ring side

Take 3 shots:

If Erick Rowan returns to help Bray

If Orton is able to put Wyatt away with a RKO out of nowhere and wins the title

Take 4 shots:

If Sister Abigail appears, either in the flesh or via hologram and/or Titantron video

Take 5 shots:

If Harper appears and ends up siding with Bray

Take 6 shots:

If Bray retains and they do a double turn over the course of the match

Finishing out: I see Orton winning here, especially if WWE is serious about breaking Harper away from Wyatt. Having Bray chase the title again and rebuild the “family”, likely with Rowan and possibly someone new, would be an interesting story. Either way, beyond a rematch, I don’t see Orton / Wyatt having much of a future past WrestleMania as this really feels like the “third act” of the story they’ve been telling.

(WWE.com)

Goldberg (c) vs. Brock Lesnar (WWE Universal Championship Match)

Goldberg is back so he can be “miserable” and act like a real life superhero for his kid. Brock Lesnar doesn’t care about your kids and is here for a paycheck. In the immortal words of Bill Hicks (slightly edited): “Go back to bed, WWE Universe. The part-timers are in control again. Here. Here’s Goldberg vs. Lesnar. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, WWE Universe. Here is Goldberg vs. Lesnar. Here is all 56 seconds of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their f***king skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, WWE Universe!”

Take a shot for each of the following things that last longer than this match:

Tinashe singing America the Beautiful

The much maligned “Pitbull sings ‘Greenlight'” segment

The Rock’s appearance

Al Roker introducing the mixed tag match

Enzo & Cass’ entrance

Curt Hawkins’ time spent in the Andre Battle Royal

The Undertaker’s entrance

Any “Let’s Go Cena / Cena Sucks!” chants

Any commercials shown to promote the WWE Network

Booker T’s explanation of the show’s Shucky Ducky Quack Quack Moment of the Night

The combined bathroom breaks you take while watching WrestleMania (Kickoff Show included)

The hang time Shane McMahon gets during any jump off of anything during his match with AJ Styles

John Cena’s proposal to Nikki Bella

The “WWE. Then. Now. Forever.” video credits before WrestleMania begins

The amount of time spent during the show saying the words “Big Dog”

The duration of the notification sound your phone makes when you get a text message

Taking one deep breath

Finishing out: Lesnar wins. Goldberg goes home having accomplished… something… I guess? While being miserable the whole time. Meanwhile, Brock goes back to his farm and we see the top Raw title get defended again in August at SummerSlam. Hoo-ray!

Well, that’s that. I feel exhausted as it is now 3am on Friday morning and I started this piece Thursday around 9pm. I think this may be the longest article in the site’s history and it’s a drinking game post of all things.

I’ll be recapping NXT TakeOver Orlando late Saturday night and then doing the WrestleMania 33 recap Sunday night after the show. Come check back over the course of the next few days as my mind slowly unravels due to watching and writing about so much wrestling!